All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth
Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Life & Death
When Gavyn was in the hospital we did not have a lot of visitors and most who did come were repeat visitors. Some of the family was unable to come because of him being in the ICU and the restrictions there are. I think friends were not sure if they should come or not. There was communication through Facebook and texting since I could not take calls while in his room and I did not want to leave most of the time. Even though I was surrounded by people in the PICU and had family ready to drop anything and come up, it was one of the loneliest times in my life.
Half of the time he was in the hospital I was staying with him full time. Usually my dad would come up in the morning and see us for a little while then leave mid-morning. Ryan would come up by 6pm to have dinner with me and stay until I would go to sleep around 10-11. During the middle of Gav's stay I was staying at my mom's house. I would wake up around 7, get myself and the boys ready, leave to go around 9, not see anyone sometimes until Ryan would come. If it was a bad day my dad would stay or mom but Ryan had to keep working. There are no vacation days, sick days or leave of absence when you work for yourself. I still do not know how he made it through. Two of our Pastors came by, my parents pastor, who I am close to (he married Ryan and I) came by frequently. A couple girl friends stopped by, brothers... It was lonely though. It was a time to suffer alone and grow.
There is one visit and visitor that I remember very vividly. It was unexpected in many ways. It was Ryan's cousin Chris. He was the only extended family member who was able to come. I was sitting in the rocker next to Gav's bed, I was journaling if I remember right. I heard a familiar voice behind me and when I looked over it almost took me a second to realize that it was Chris. It caught me off guard and when it registered with me I was just so glad to see him. I gave him a big hug. I could tell immediately how hard it was for him to see Gavyn. None of Ryan's family had even gotten to meet Gavyn before going into the hospital.
Chris is Ryan's cousin, he was the cousin Ryan had talked about when we were dating before I meet anyone. He was married to Mandi and when I joined the family their son Isaac was 6 months, he will be 7 in a few months. The first time I met the family was on Easter and Chris and Mandi were the 2 who really made me feel welcome. Chris is one of those guys that just wants to make everyone laugh and he loves to tease people. He made me feel like his little sister because his teasing is so much like my brothers. Mandi was easy to talk to, had a great smile and laugh and just wants you to feel comfortable. It was their ease in welcoming me that made me really feel part of the family.
We talked about Gavyn and what had happened. What all he was hooked up to. The plan of getting him better and what could be expected. Chris was emotional and it was hard for him to keep it together. It is hard enough to see the kids in the PICU, it is harder still to be attached to one of them and see it and I can not imagine how it felt for Chris to meet his 2nd cousin for the first time under these circumstances. He told me that it was killing Mandi to not be able to come see him. There was a reason though, she was just now 6 weeks pregnant! It was the worst setting to hear some of the best news for our family. They had been trying for years to have baby #2 and had been through many trials along the way. I was so excited! It could not happen at a better time it seemed. To be reminded that there was life outside the 4 walls we were prisoned in now. Even then I knew, they would be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that Mandi would be the one to carry the baby girl the family had been anxiously awaiting for so many years. Baby Addy will arrive in November and we could not be happier.
There will be 3 new babies for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Three wonderful babies that are precious gifts all in their own way. A much awaited Baby Girl for Chris and Mandi. The first baby for Andrew and Patty. And mostly for me, Baby Gavyn, the one who almost did not make it.
Half of the time he was in the hospital I was staying with him full time. Usually my dad would come up in the morning and see us for a little while then leave mid-morning. Ryan would come up by 6pm to have dinner with me and stay until I would go to sleep around 10-11. During the middle of Gav's stay I was staying at my mom's house. I would wake up around 7, get myself and the boys ready, leave to go around 9, not see anyone sometimes until Ryan would come. If it was a bad day my dad would stay or mom but Ryan had to keep working. There are no vacation days, sick days or leave of absence when you work for yourself. I still do not know how he made it through. Two of our Pastors came by, my parents pastor, who I am close to (he married Ryan and I) came by frequently. A couple girl friends stopped by, brothers... It was lonely though. It was a time to suffer alone and grow.
There is one visit and visitor that I remember very vividly. It was unexpected in many ways. It was Ryan's cousin Chris. He was the only extended family member who was able to come. I was sitting in the rocker next to Gav's bed, I was journaling if I remember right. I heard a familiar voice behind me and when I looked over it almost took me a second to realize that it was Chris. It caught me off guard and when it registered with me I was just so glad to see him. I gave him a big hug. I could tell immediately how hard it was for him to see Gavyn. None of Ryan's family had even gotten to meet Gavyn before going into the hospital.
Chris is Ryan's cousin, he was the cousin Ryan had talked about when we were dating before I meet anyone. He was married to Mandi and when I joined the family their son Isaac was 6 months, he will be 7 in a few months. The first time I met the family was on Easter and Chris and Mandi were the 2 who really made me feel welcome. Chris is one of those guys that just wants to make everyone laugh and he loves to tease people. He made me feel like his little sister because his teasing is so much like my brothers. Mandi was easy to talk to, had a great smile and laugh and just wants you to feel comfortable. It was their ease in welcoming me that made me really feel part of the family.
We talked about Gavyn and what had happened. What all he was hooked up to. The plan of getting him better and what could be expected. Chris was emotional and it was hard for him to keep it together. It is hard enough to see the kids in the PICU, it is harder still to be attached to one of them and see it and I can not imagine how it felt for Chris to meet his 2nd cousin for the first time under these circumstances. He told me that it was killing Mandi to not be able to come see him. There was a reason though, she was just now 6 weeks pregnant! It was the worst setting to hear some of the best news for our family. They had been trying for years to have baby #2 and had been through many trials along the way. I was so excited! It could not happen at a better time it seemed. To be reminded that there was life outside the 4 walls we were prisoned in now. Even then I knew, they would be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that Mandi would be the one to carry the baby girl the family had been anxiously awaiting for so many years. Baby Addy will arrive in November and we could not be happier.
There will be 3 new babies for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Three wonderful babies that are precious gifts all in their own way. A much awaited Baby Girl for Chris and Mandi. The first baby for Andrew and Patty. And mostly for me, Baby Gavyn, the one who almost did not make it.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dress Up
My boys love to play dress up. Nevin has always been a hat kid. He will go into his room, rummage around in the closet and come out with a fireman hat on, train hat, chef hat and just smile at you. He will get my shoes out and put them on as well and walk all around the house, very carefully so that they don't come off! Lately Skyler has taken to the concept of dress up as well. The other day I had brought up some materials and tools for a project and left them in the kitchen. When he asked about it I told him I could not start it right now but in a little while. 10 minutes later he came out of his room with his play tools stuck in has pants (like a tool belt), hat on and play wood."I am going to fix it!"
Off to the kitchen he went.Yesterday I suppose it occurred to them that Gavyn should be dressing up as well. Skyler got the train hat out and plopped it on his head.
"Look! Train Gav!"
Simple moments like these make my heart smile. To have creative fun loving kids and to have all 3 of them home, healthy, growing and loving each other. God is good.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Ice Cream
Lately I have been really craving ice cream and every time I eat some I think of our Pastor Joel and the PICU.
The third day we were at the PICU Ryan got a call from Joel, his wife Melissa had noticed one of our posts about Gavyn and being in the hospital. He wanted to come see us, pray with us and talk. Later that day he came up right after the docs had finished rounds and we were waiting to see the Neurologists for the first time. We told him the story of why we brought him in, the craziness surrounding him being admitted, and how his CT scan was not normal and we were waiting to see what the Neurologists thought about it. He asked a lot of questions and wanted to know everything that he was hooked up to. He prayed for us, he prayed for Gavyn and he read this passage. Before he started he told me, "There is a part in here that is scary but I think it is still encouraging,"
17"For behold, I create new heavens
and a new earth,
and the former things shall not be remembered
or come into mind.
18But be glad and rejoice forever
in that which I create;
for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,
and her people to be a gladness.
19 I will rejoice in Jerusalem
and be glad in my people;
no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping
and the cry of distress.
20No more shall there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not fill out his days,
for the young man shall die a hundred years old,
and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.
21 They shall build houses and inhabit them;
they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 They shall not build and another inhabit;
they shall not plant and another eat;
for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be,
and my chosen shall long enjoy the work of their hands.
23 They shall not labor in vain
or bear children for calamity,
for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD,
and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are yet speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb shall graze together;
the lion shall eat straw like the ox,
and dust shall be the serpent’s food.
They shall not hurt or destroy
in all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
~ Isaiah 65:17-25
He was right, it was scary to hear some of those words but it was also comforting.
We chatted some more, I asked if they had found out if they were having another boy or maybe a girl. They too were having their 3rd. boy and he told me I needed to encourage Melissa. Right before he left he just looked at me and said, "You really need some ice cream, what is your favorite kind?" At first I just laughed, I thought he was joking but he was totally serious. He left for about 30 minutes and arrived back with a whole container of chocolate brownie Ben & Jerry's ice cream just as the Neurologists were coming in for the first time.
I didn't get to say thank you to him because we were talking with the docs and that day was one of the most hopefully. The docs had good encouragement for us. After they left we grabbed that ice cream, went out in the hall, sat on a bench in the sun and ate the whole container. It was a decent day for the PICU.
The third day we were at the PICU Ryan got a call from Joel, his wife Melissa had noticed one of our posts about Gavyn and being in the hospital. He wanted to come see us, pray with us and talk. Later that day he came up right after the docs had finished rounds and we were waiting to see the Neurologists for the first time. We told him the story of why we brought him in, the craziness surrounding him being admitted, and how his CT scan was not normal and we were waiting to see what the Neurologists thought about it. He asked a lot of questions and wanted to know everything that he was hooked up to. He prayed for us, he prayed for Gavyn and he read this passage. Before he started he told me, "There is a part in here that is scary but I think it is still encouraging,"
17"For behold, I create new heavens
and a new earth,
and the former things shall not be remembered
or come into mind.
18But be glad and rejoice forever
in that which I create;
for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,
and her people to be a gladness.
19 I will rejoice in Jerusalem
and be glad in my people;
no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping
and the cry of distress.
20No more shall there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not fill out his days,
for the young man shall die a hundred years old,
and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.
21 They shall build houses and inhabit them;
they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 They shall not build and another inhabit;
they shall not plant and another eat;
for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be,
and my chosen shall long enjoy the work of their hands.
23 They shall not labor in vain
or bear children for calamity,
for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD,
and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are yet speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb shall graze together;
the lion shall eat straw like the ox,
and dust shall be the serpent’s food.
They shall not hurt or destroy
in all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
~ Isaiah 65:17-25
He was right, it was scary to hear some of those words but it was also comforting.
We chatted some more, I asked if they had found out if they were having another boy or maybe a girl. They too were having their 3rd. boy and he told me I needed to encourage Melissa. Right before he left he just looked at me and said, "You really need some ice cream, what is your favorite kind?" At first I just laughed, I thought he was joking but he was totally serious. He left for about 30 minutes and arrived back with a whole container of chocolate brownie Ben & Jerry's ice cream just as the Neurologists were coming in for the first time.
I didn't get to say thank you to him because we were talking with the docs and that day was one of the most hopefully. The docs had good encouragement for us. After they left we grabbed that ice cream, went out in the hall, sat on a bench in the sun and ate the whole container. It was a decent day for the PICU.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Just some Thoughts
This week was the end of an era around here I guess. When Gavyn was in the hospital I was pumping milk for him but slowly drying up with all of the stress. I kept at it the entire time he was there though. I even nursed him a few times but the more bottles he got during his stay the less and less he wanted to nurse. When I talked to the lactation consultant before bringing him home she was going over everything I needed to do to get my supply up. I just broke down crying because I knew going home to normal life and trying to take care of 2 big boys and a baby with extra needs it was not going to happen. How could I sit on the couch for over an hour pumping, nursing, giving bottles and ignore my two boys I had not seen for 3 weeks? I decided to go home and pump as much as I possibly could but not force the nursing. Gavyn was happy with the bottle and I was OK giving it to him. I continued to pump until he was 6 weeks. It was right around the time he went back in for his shunt that I quit. The pressure was too much and I need get ride of as much stress as I could. I did however put 3 small bottles in the freezer and decided I would hold on to them just in case. Gavyn has been just on formula for about the last 2 months I would say and this week he got his first cold. I will admit part of me felt the guilt creep in, maybe if he was a breastfed baby he wouldn't have gotten sick yet. My other two boys never got colds until they were a year. Thursday I pulled those little bottles out and gave him the last of the liquid gold. I knew it would be easier on his tummy and maybe give him a little boost. I guess it helped because he is much better today.
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