Empty

I have been desperately wanting to blog since the news last week but I haven't found the time. As I said, we received the news that Nevin has 22q deletion on his birthday (last Wednesday) and his and Gavyn's combined party was on Sunday. I think the party is what got me thru those first few days. Wednesday was rough but Thursday was better, Friday I was mad, really mad, Saturday I was occupied with party prep until church. Church... That was hard.

Now I can't remember what songs we sang but I do remember having this thought:
You (God) hold everything together. You formed my babies in my womb. You made them how you wanted them to be and you chose to leave off a tiny piece of Nevin's genetic makeup - possibly Gavyn as well. Why? Why would You do that? How does this bring you glory? How much simpler my life, their lives would be if You hadn't done that.

I wasn't mad though. I've been more angry at other people and not so much God during all this. I just have so many thoughts in my head and heart. I'm full of questions and feel completely empty. Empty. I've never felt this empty before. It's like someone kicked me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me and I haven't caught my breath yet.

I suppose answers come slowly and time will heal some hurt.