Midnights

Dr.Werner was right...

I wrote sometime ago about the first 3 people in the PICU that made an impression on me and one of them was Dr.Werner. He was the attending the night Gavyn was admitted and also the one who showed us the images from the CT scan. Just thinking about that dark corner of the PICU where the computers are for looking at images, gives me a chill. So many conflicting and confusing emotions were going on during that time. It is still such a vivid memory that I can feel it, taste it, hear it...
Dr.Werner saying the scan was not normal...
Grabbing my throat...
Rubbing my chest...
Ryan putting his hand on my back...
Saying, "You are breaking out..."
"It happens,"Dr.Werner....
Mind swirling...

The only question I could think to ask was if it was brain damage. Hearing it was. Him saying to tell people to wait to ask if Gav could do things a year from then. Meaning we were not going to be sure. Anything and everything was possible, for good and bad. And then he said it, looked me dead in the eye and said, "This is not your fault. When you are lying awake at 2 in the morning starring at the stars, tell yourself that this was not your fault."

Lately I am back to not being able to sleep. I feel so extremely tired by the end of the day, crawl into bed, close my eyes, feel the warmth and comfort. After about 2 minutes I start to think of the day he was born, how that is when I passed the infection to him. The day he had the seizure, all the little signs I missed up until that event. Hearing Dr.Warner say those words, hearing every other doctor after him talking about brain damage. The day he went back in for his shunt. Every ER visit in between and after. What he is having delays with. And it all goes back to the day he was born. The day I infected him with something I had never heard of, Group B Strep. It makes me wonder, was he born with hydrocephalus, did the group b give it to him because of the meningitis? If he was born with it what did I do when I was pregnant that caused lack of air to him or something else? The more I contemplate the less I can sleep.

I remember Dr.Werner's words and try to make myself believe that. I remember Dr.Garret telling me that Group B is on many things and they don't know enough about it. Trying to comfort me. But don't you just sort of know where blame should fall? I always knew I would make mistakes at being a mom, what mother doesn't? But I would have never thought I would have risked my child's life and health. Maybe one day I will figure out what happened. Dr.Werner was right, I do lay awake at night and stare at the stars. I can't make myself believe that he was right in telling me I did not cause the damage to my child though. He was in my belly for safe keeping and I did something wrong. I was in charge of him and made a bad choice at some point.