Process

The other great benefit of getting up at 4:30am to go workout is that I am home by 6:15 and the kids are either still asleep or just want to sit in front of the TV and watch cartoons. We don't have to start getting dressed and eating breakfast until 7 which means I have plenty of time to drink coffee and have devotions. Last week I wanted to pick a book of the Bible to work thru that was not the same as our Community Group. I was thinking about the suffering forum I had gone to at church and going over some notes from that at the same time and I decided Job would be a fitting book to read thru. I thought I might need something up-lifting as well and decided to read the Psalms as well. I have been reading one chapter from each book and reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I have been reading this devotional for years now and I can't imagine not reading it. There are always new nuggets I pull out. Today I read Feb. 28th and I also read Feb 29th for the heck of it. Here is the 29th's...

"Lord, that I may receive my sight." Luke 18:41

What is the thing that not only disturbs you but makes you a disturbance? It is always some thing you cannot deal with yourself. "They rebuked him that he should hold his peace . . . but he cried so much the more." Persist in the disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself; do not deify common sense. When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in common-sense ways, but in supernatural ways.
Watch how we limit the Lord by remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past: I always failed there, and I always shall; consequently we do not ask for what we want. "It is ridiculous to ask God to do this." If it is an impossibility, it is the thing we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible.
This man received his sight. The most impossible thing to you is that you should be so identified with the Lord that there is nothing of the old life left. He will do it if you ask Him. But you have to come to the place where you believe Him to be Almighty. Faith is not in what Jesus says but in Himself; if we only look at what He says we shall never believe. When once we see Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing. Our agony comes through the wilful stupidity of our own heart. We won't believe, we won't cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on.

Today was the first time that I had this thought... Ever since Gavyn got sick and was in the hospital, and ever since we realized Nevin was not going to be able to talk like a typical kid, I have had nights where I can not sleep. I lie awake in bed and stare out the window into the blackness. I cry, I sob, I pray, I beg. I want God to do a miracle and heal them. To take away Gavyn's hydrocephalus. To strength and heal his legs so he can run and play. For both of them to grow. For Nevin's mouth to "be opened" and for speech to spill out that is intelligible. These nights have become less frequent but I felt they would always be there. Until this morning after I read that.

"When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in common-sense ways, but in supernatural ways."

What if the "incredible" thing that I need to ask God for is not healing for my kids but healing for me. To be free from the immense amount of shame and guilt I have. To not blame myself for Gavyn getting sick. To not feel guilt over Nevin being diagnosed at 3yrs and 5yrs old with his conditions. I can not imagine a life feeling free from that. I have had two of the boys doctors tell me to not feel this way. Dr. Werner from the PICU who told us Gavyn had hydrocephalus and Dr. Braddock our genetics doctor. Dr.Werner was an amazing doctor who told me some very powerful things that I still think on. Dr. Braddock completely caught me off guard on Tuesday when he brought up the guilt thing. He joked it was a mom gene that you can't get rid of but that I need to stop beating myself up. That none of this was my fault. I didn't know how to respond but I have been thinking about it. Today reading this gave me new insight. Healing. God is in the business of healing, I have seen it so much in our lives. Is it my turn now? Perhaps. I am not sure how to ask though....