Promises

I love rainbows, always have always will, but really who doesn't? Last night after it rained we took the boys out on the front porch and there were two huge rainbows. The one you could just see but the other one was so bright you could make out all the colors. A few days ago Sesame Street was all about rainbows and Skyler remembered about the colors and we got to really talk about it. He is getting so big!

Funny thing about rainbows, I can remembered distinct times in my life and emotions I was feeling because I saw a rainbow. I remembered riding in a car with my best friend and her two sisters when we were like 10. We had all gone to see a movie and it started to storm and the power went out. It really sucked to miss the movie but on the way back to their house we saw these amazing rainbows and it just made the day better. I once saw 2 complete circle rainbows while playing tennis in Washington. Someone hit the ball and when I looked up to hit it I saw the rainbows. We all stopped playing tennis, laid down on the court and just looked at them for a long time. It hadn't even rained by us that day. Magical.

They just don't make sense, rainbows. I mean we all know about light and water and reflections and all that jazz, but really? You never know when you are going to get one, how big it will be, what part of it you will see. God is so creative and funny like that. Just showing off his sense of humor and love all at once.

Promises... they are a funny thing and I am still trying to figure them out with God. The entire time we were at the hospital and even in the past with jobs and money I would pray and pray. In the back of my mind though I knew there are no guarantees. Just because I want something to go one way does not mean it will. My will is not God's will so prepare for more than you think you can handle. Somehow everything turns out better God's way. Harder, yes, richer I guess you could say though.

Yesterday I had been thinking about how so many things in my life led me up to Gav being in the hospital and me having the ability to handle it. So many people have told me how strong I am and I just don't really feel strong. I take what is given to me and sort it all out. And for my entire life God has been giving me small pieces of this chaos to deal with so that at this moment in time he could give it all to me again at once. Over the years I have probably reminded myself of the promise that God will not give you more than you can come up under thousands of times. I did not believe it this time though. I really thought he was going to break me this time. I felt like Job and I wondered if my faith was strong enough to not curse God.

Can I hold this weight? There are no guarantees. The two prevailing thoughts fighting in my mind.

And then you have things like rainbows. We did hold up. We did not have our son taken. There are promises. It rained, it stormed, there are still bouts of thunder but there will always be rainbows.