Mr. Pelican

Today I was playing with Gavyn in his crib and he was watching his stuffed animals. I picked up his little puppy dog and put it on his tummy. He smiled, laughed and started to grab for it, trying to put it in his mouth! These are the little milestones that bring tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. We still are not sure how Gavyn will develop, he could grow up to be a neurosurgeon or have delays of any kind. When a small or large marker is made it will always bring tears to my eyes for little Gavyn.

Tonight as the big boys went to bed and Gavyn was laying on the couch with me I got his puppy again to play with. I also grabbed his Panda Bear and Mr. Pelican. I lined them up on the couch for him to look at and talk to. Puppy Dog has a cute story, when Gav was in the hospital my parents kept Skyler and Nevin. One day when Mom took Skyler out he saw the Puppy and said, "Grandma, can I buy the puppy for Baby Gavyn, I have a penny." So sweet and innocent. The Panda was also bought by Grandma while Gav was in the hospital to sit in his bed with him. But Mr. Pelican was there from the beginning.

Mr. Pelican had been put in the bed Gav was laid in when he arrived at Glennon. We do not know where he came from or how he made it into Gav's bed but he did. The first few days he was in the PICU he had a wonderful nurse named Susan. Each time she would come in his room she would talk to him, joke with him, call him her little friend. She is the one who discovered Mr. Pelican in the bed and always made sure he was in a place where Gav could see him. She would lay him under his arms like he was holding him. It was a small thing that gave me so much hope. Gav's limbs were so weak that he was not moving them. I would sit there and stare at that Pelican under his arm waiting for him to just grab at it. Of course he didn't, he couldn't but I hoped.

Tonight we went to a worship night at our church. We took all three boys and we sang one of my favorite songs that had always brought tears to my eyes. I thought I had been through a lot until this happened with Gav.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

He is a God who can move mountains and he did with little Gavyn. It has always been hard for me to comprehend how God could send his Son to Earth and let him die. And yet, now I can understand part of it more now. There was a moment when Gavyn was in the hospital... he was so sick. We took a few steps forward and then we took about 10 back very quickly. He had a breathing tube in, feeding tube, IV's in one hand and one foot and also his PIC line in his other leg. The pressure from his hydrocephalus had built up to the point that it suddenly pushed his brain down towards his spine, his heart was having trouble keeping up, he couldn't breath on his own... it was very scary. The neurosurgeon came and put the external shunt in which immediately relieved the pressure but he was still sleeping from the meds. I stood at his bedside crying, not sure if he was going to wake up or not. When he did open his eyes for the first time he tried to cry but there was no sound because of the breathing tube and his eyes shot open, filled with terror as they looked around. I touched his cheek, said his name, tried to soothe him, he fell back asleep. That is when I prayed for God to take him. It sounds horrible I am sure but I prayed that if he was not going to recover, if he was going to be brain dead, I wanted God to take him home. I wanted what was best for him, not for me.

Those are the feelings I am still trying to process. That is why I cry over him, I didn't think I would come home with him. God is good, He is mighty to save. He let me keep my angel, He didn't need to bring him back home yet.