My First Post

It has been 4 weeks and 5 days since Gavyn came home from the hospital from his last extended stay. We have only been back in the ER once since that day, have had 2 tests done and 3 doctor visits. Today has been a lot. He is 3 months today and must be going through his 3 month growth spurt. He has been crying a ton, wanting to eat more but than not wanting to eat because he is so fussy. Normally he is quiet, calm and a love to be around. If we had not just seen his Neurosurgeon yesterday I would probably be panicking right now. Thankfully he had been like this yesterday as well and they were sure it was just his normal growth spurt. How do you not panic though when all the sings for a shunted babies shunt not working are the same as a growth spurt or just colic? It is being between a rock and a hard place, take him to the ER every time he cries or wait at home and hope nothing terrible happens. Add to that all the Mommy guilt a mom like me is bound to have and there is no winning.

Today I finally broke down and realized that my Grandma did indeed pass away last weekend and I won't ever be able to call her or see her again. We have had a rocky relationship for awhile now. She had given up on life when my Grandpa passed away and she has been sick for a really long time. She had stopped leaving her house years ago and trying to go see her with my two wild toddlers was never easy. For the last few months (since Gavyn was born) she has not cared about anything, she never asked how Gavyn was when he was in the hospital. She just did not get it. But that meant that we did not make the time to go see her once things started to settle at home. She never got to meet her 3rd. Great Grandchild. Another spoonful of guilt added to my plate.

She was a wonderful woman though, she married a handsome adventurous man who took her all over the world. They were generous with the many blessings they had and she loved all of us a lot. The woman I loved the most and looked up to the most passed a long time ago and I had been waiting for her to come back... she never did and that is hardest of it all.

Maybe one day the intense feeling of panic and threat will go away that comes after having a child be terribly sick. I don't know when that will happen for me. Right now I am just trying to process the emotions I am having as they come to me.