It has been 13 weeks and 2 days since we took Gavyn to Cardinal Glennon. I still wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night thinking about that first morning.
5 am, March 5, wake up to a shrill cry from Gavyn that I had not heard before. Sit up in bed while Ryan changes his diaper. He hands him to me, goes back to bed and I get ready to nurse him. It had been about 4 or 5 hours since his last feeding and I am sure he is starving. I am shocked when he does not start to nurse right away and seems a little limp. I hold him up and notice in the dim light he just does not seem the same. He opens his eyes and they seem dark and lifeless. My stomach has a sick feeling in it but I try to tell myself he is just not fully awake and I am over reacting. I cradle him and he starts to act like he is going to nurse. We sort of drift off to sleep for awhile. I startle myself back awake, realizing he still has not actually eaten. I hold him up on my shoulder and can feel him breathing very heavy. It is almost 6 o'clock and my mind is racing. What could be wrong? Is something wrong? Maybe I am overreacting, new mom syndrome. Can't call the doctor until 7. Did he just stop breathing for a second or was it just really shallow? Do we run him to the emergency room? I pull him forward to look at his face. His arms fall to his side, his eyes widen, his whole body convulses in a seizure it stops and his eyes roll to the sides.
"GAVYN! GAVYN!"
Ryan wakes, "What??!!"
"Get your phone and call 911!"
I frantically tell the operator our address, that my 2 week old son has just had a seizure, I am not sure what is wrong and I can not tell if he is breathing or not. She tells me to lay him on the bed, the paramedics are on the way. Before we can even think of what to do next we hear the sirens and Ryan rushes to the door to let them in. Two men, one in his mid 20's and one in his mid 40's come into the room. They check him over, ask a million questions. Gavyn is laying lifeless, his color ashen. I feel relieve that they are their and terror all at the same time. The older gentlemen takes Gav in his arms and listens to his heart for minutes while the other asks more questions.
"His heart rate is all over the place, 80's then back up over 100. We need to take him in now, what hospital?" he interrupts us.
"Cardinal Glennon."
"Get dressed, grab his car seat and meet us outside."
Everything seems to happen so fast. Nevin wakes up, I somehow tell Ryan to call my parents as I rush out the door and get in the ambulance.
They have already started giving him oxygen and his color is coming back. I get to hold him on the way to the hospital not knowing this will be my last time to hold him for over a week. The paramedic tries to be very comforting and reminding me that we are taking him to the best place where they can take awesome care of him. That everything could be fine and we could be back home in no time. We seem to fly getting to the hospital and I am completely disorientated by coming in through the ambulance entrance, I am not sure how Ryan will even find us, do I even have my phone?
We rush into the ER and are met by a nurse immediately who takes us into a room. I lay Gavyn down on the bed that seems to swallow him up he is so small. She is getting all the information from the paramedic and I am standing by him helpless as he looks around. After a few short moments he is hooked up to a monitor and before I know it he is descended upon by about 5 nurses and two doctors. I quickly move out of their way but am completely confused by what is happening. I break down crying, standing in the corner. It seems like forever before anyone notices me, a nurse comes over and rubs my back, shows me there is a chair next to me and helps me sit down.
"It is OK, you just sit here and cry." she says in a sweet voice.
Now I can see the monitor, his heart rate is in the 80's (100's-200's is normal for a baby), his breathing is in the 30's. I hear them talking about breathing tubes. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan and Mom, frantic and crying trying to find us. We huddle together in the corner. I do not even remember if the doctor told us or a nurse that they were going to put a breathing tube in him and we would need to step out. The next thing I new the Chaplin was there, a Chaplin does not come unless it is really bad. What is going on with my perfect baby?
We sat in the waiting room for an hour. Each time we looked out the hallway we could see his room with the curtain draw, people in and out. The tube was in. They took an X-Ray of his chest, they needed to readjust the tube. They take another X-Ray. Finally the doctor comes in. He starts telling us that Gavyn is really sick, he has some sort of infection, they have taken blood and would like to do a spinal tab, they need to identify the infection and it will take 48-72 hours for it to grow from the blood cultures (I knew this from Nevin's ER visit). He will need antibiotics. Will I sign a consent for a spinal tab. Everything is swirling in my head. I can't seem to grasp what is happening. I even tell Ryan, "Good, if it is an infection maybe we can go home by Monday and he will just be on some medicine."
Nothing is registering.
I get a text from a friend asking if she can come see Gavyn, no idea that we are at the ER.
I remember Skyler was supposed to have a play date.
We wait for the doctor to come back.
It is only 8 am and it feels like an eternity.
The doctor is back, we can see him. I rush for the room not prepared for what I will see. He is hooked up to machines, two IV's are in, a breathing tube covers his angelic face, he is knocked out from the drugs for the spinal tap.
"It is OK to touch him."
I rub his little arm and cry.
Eventually they are ready to take him to the PICU and we all move with him. Again we are put in a waiting room as they get him to a room but before long they are rushing him to a CT scan. Hours pass. Finally Ryan goes to the PICU and stands at the doors until a nurse notices him and tells him we should come back. I have no idea this will be my new home for the next 19 days. I don't even notice the other children, nurses, doctors, beeping... We almost run to his room. And there I sat, at his bedside for days.
5 am, March 5, wake up to a shrill cry from Gavyn that I had not heard before. Sit up in bed while Ryan changes his diaper. He hands him to me, goes back to bed and I get ready to nurse him. It had been about 4 or 5 hours since his last feeding and I am sure he is starving. I am shocked when he does not start to nurse right away and seems a little limp. I hold him up and notice in the dim light he just does not seem the same. He opens his eyes and they seem dark and lifeless. My stomach has a sick feeling in it but I try to tell myself he is just not fully awake and I am over reacting. I cradle him and he starts to act like he is going to nurse. We sort of drift off to sleep for awhile. I startle myself back awake, realizing he still has not actually eaten. I hold him up on my shoulder and can feel him breathing very heavy. It is almost 6 o'clock and my mind is racing. What could be wrong? Is something wrong? Maybe I am overreacting, new mom syndrome. Can't call the doctor until 7. Did he just stop breathing for a second or was it just really shallow? Do we run him to the emergency room? I pull him forward to look at his face. His arms fall to his side, his eyes widen, his whole body convulses in a seizure it stops and his eyes roll to the sides.
"GAVYN! GAVYN!"
Ryan wakes, "What??!!"
"Get your phone and call 911!"
I frantically tell the operator our address, that my 2 week old son has just had a seizure, I am not sure what is wrong and I can not tell if he is breathing or not. She tells me to lay him on the bed, the paramedics are on the way. Before we can even think of what to do next we hear the sirens and Ryan rushes to the door to let them in. Two men, one in his mid 20's and one in his mid 40's come into the room. They check him over, ask a million questions. Gavyn is laying lifeless, his color ashen. I feel relieve that they are their and terror all at the same time. The older gentlemen takes Gav in his arms and listens to his heart for minutes while the other asks more questions.
"His heart rate is all over the place, 80's then back up over 100. We need to take him in now, what hospital?" he interrupts us.
"Cardinal Glennon."
"Get dressed, grab his car seat and meet us outside."
Everything seems to happen so fast. Nevin wakes up, I somehow tell Ryan to call my parents as I rush out the door and get in the ambulance.
They have already started giving him oxygen and his color is coming back. I get to hold him on the way to the hospital not knowing this will be my last time to hold him for over a week. The paramedic tries to be very comforting and reminding me that we are taking him to the best place where they can take awesome care of him. That everything could be fine and we could be back home in no time. We seem to fly getting to the hospital and I am completely disorientated by coming in through the ambulance entrance, I am not sure how Ryan will even find us, do I even have my phone?
We rush into the ER and are met by a nurse immediately who takes us into a room. I lay Gavyn down on the bed that seems to swallow him up he is so small. She is getting all the information from the paramedic and I am standing by him helpless as he looks around. After a few short moments he is hooked up to a monitor and before I know it he is descended upon by about 5 nurses and two doctors. I quickly move out of their way but am completely confused by what is happening. I break down crying, standing in the corner. It seems like forever before anyone notices me, a nurse comes over and rubs my back, shows me there is a chair next to me and helps me sit down.
"It is OK, you just sit here and cry." she says in a sweet voice.
Now I can see the monitor, his heart rate is in the 80's (100's-200's is normal for a baby), his breathing is in the 30's. I hear them talking about breathing tubes. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan and Mom, frantic and crying trying to find us. We huddle together in the corner. I do not even remember if the doctor told us or a nurse that they were going to put a breathing tube in him and we would need to step out. The next thing I new the Chaplin was there, a Chaplin does not come unless it is really bad. What is going on with my perfect baby?
We sat in the waiting room for an hour. Each time we looked out the hallway we could see his room with the curtain draw, people in and out. The tube was in. They took an X-Ray of his chest, they needed to readjust the tube. They take another X-Ray. Finally the doctor comes in. He starts telling us that Gavyn is really sick, he has some sort of infection, they have taken blood and would like to do a spinal tab, they need to identify the infection and it will take 48-72 hours for it to grow from the blood cultures (I knew this from Nevin's ER visit). He will need antibiotics. Will I sign a consent for a spinal tab. Everything is swirling in my head. I can't seem to grasp what is happening. I even tell Ryan, "Good, if it is an infection maybe we can go home by Monday and he will just be on some medicine."
Nothing is registering.
I get a text from a friend asking if she can come see Gavyn, no idea that we are at the ER.
I remember Skyler was supposed to have a play date.
We wait for the doctor to come back.
It is only 8 am and it feels like an eternity.
The doctor is back, we can see him. I rush for the room not prepared for what I will see. He is hooked up to machines, two IV's are in, a breathing tube covers his angelic face, he is knocked out from the drugs for the spinal tap.
"It is OK to touch him."
I rub his little arm and cry.
Eventually they are ready to take him to the PICU and we all move with him. Again we are put in a waiting room as they get him to a room but before long they are rushing him to a CT scan. Hours pass. Finally Ryan goes to the PICU and stands at the doors until a nurse notices him and tells him we should come back. I have no idea this will be my new home for the next 19 days. I don't even notice the other children, nurses, doctors, beeping... We almost run to his room. And there I sat, at his bedside for days.
I was just crying reading this. I cannot imagine how scary that morning must have been. It's great to document this so that you can tell him exactly how strong he was when he was so little.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteI have heard your story through Melissa and reading your blog... but this post had me crying. Every mommy knows the worries and small over-reacting moments we have when our babies are a few weeks old.... so as you were writing I was following along with every word... until the seizures started. I CANNOT imagine what you went through. Not only is Gavyn one strong little dude. You are one strong momma! Such a miraculous story it is to see your boy healthy and happy now!!
Megan