Doctor Clauss

There are 3 people I remember vividly from the first night in the PICU. Darby his nurse, Dr.Clauss the resident and Dr.Warner the attending. I remember them all for different reasons but very important ones.

Darby met us at his room when we were brought back. She was tall, her long brown hair in a pony tail, light green scrub pants and a gray long sleeve shirt. Since they did not know what kind of infection Gavyn had all the nurses and doctors had to wear masks and gowns going in and out of his room so as to not spread any disease to the other kids. She was checking his vitals and trying to calm me.

"Is he going to have brain damage from the seizure?" I asked her.
She looked up at me concerned, "You know, these little guys are strong and lets not jump to any conclusions until the doctors can figure out what all is going on."
So calm, reassuring, caring. She explained the nurse rotation, who the doctors were, the lab techs, to ask questions. She gave me some of the tools I used to make it through the next 19 days.

Dr.Warner.... Ryan and I had stepped out of the PICU and when we came walking back Dr.Warner was standing outside his room looking through Gavyn's file. He introduced himself, I noticed the sign hanging on Gav's room door that said 'Gavyn' and made a comment about it. He told us if we wanted it taken down that was no problem, I told him it was fine, I liked it. He wanted to know if we could go look at some pictures with him, we followed him over to a corner of the PICU, there were some computer screens and he pulled up Gavyn's CT scan.

"We took a scan of Gavyn's brain when he got here and..."
In my mind I am finishing his sentence, "everything is fine." Instead I hear,
"Gavyn's scan is not normal."
I melt into the seat he pulled out for me and feel paralyzed as he explains what they have found. I would not see Dr.Warner again for over a week.

And finally Dr. Clauss... I believe everyone has angels looking over them but few of us get to meet them face to face and have interaction with them. Since Dr.Clauss was one of the residents she was there almost every day of those 19 days Gav was in the PICU. It seemed like there were only 2 days she was not. I could be wrong. The night he was brought in and we sat at his bedside, it was her who was the first to tell me about Group B Strep. It was an infection they thought he had, hadn't I been tested when I was pregnant? I didn't even know what it was. There was something in her manner though and the way she would look at you when she talked. She actually cared. She wasn't judging me as a mother.

Every day she would check in, multiple times. If you have ever been in a NICU, PICU or ICU you have probably noticed the chaos. It comes and goes but everyone is always on their toes and ready for anything to happen. But every time Karen Clauss came to Gavyn's room she would look me in the eye and ask how things were. After every round she would hang back and ask me what questions weren't answered for me. What could she explain better? And anytime I would pass her in the hall she would send me a comforting smile.

I know that without Dr.Clauss looking over Gavyn and myself I would not have made it through that time. My dad once asked her how she and the others handled the PICU day after day. Her response,
"I actually have the worst nightmares every night about terrible things happening to all these kids. I am putting my time in here but all I really want to do is take care of kids with runny noses."
Dr.Clauss - Thank you for doing your time in the PICU and hanging in there. You are an amazing doctor. Thank you for genuinely caring about the kids you see. You will be an amazing pediatrician. I am sorry that you spend so much thought, conscience and unconscious worrying about these children. But thankfully one of your little guys made it out strong and healthy thanks to you. He will be an amazing man meant for amazing things. Thank you.