Anxiety

Who would have thought a simple eye appointment could cause so much anxiety? I hadn't forgotten about the appointment, just the logistics of the appointment until this evening. Then I remembered that not only do we need to see the eye doc we need to get labs drawn as well. That was the reason I hadn't rescheduled this appointment in the first place. Remembering the logistics of the morning has set my anxiety off. Instead of falling asleep I started reliving different hospital moments with Gavyn. While I tried to get my mind off of that I started thinking about tomorrow morning. That made it worse. So, I got up and packed lunches for the day. Checked the diaper bag. Just realized I should maybe pack snacks. Probably not, they are going to have to eat breakfast in the car and the girls in the lab will give them all graham crackers and juice before we see the eye doc. See, my mind is racing.

Moments like this, evenings like this... They take me back. Back to 2010 when I hardly slept and stayed up most nights blogging or watching TV. I just couldn't sleep. I couldn't clear my head. I couldn't rid myself of the anger and terror that filled my head. So I stayed up. A lot. And then I couldn't get up in the mornings because I was so sad. The weight of it all was crushing.

Man... I hope I'm not headed back down that path. I don't think I am. I have a lot more support in my life now. My husband and I are much more in tune to each other. But things feel different lately, and not in a positive way. It's like I'm "butter stretched thin over too much bread." I need to find rest. 

But... I'm scared of rest. I'm scared of detaching too much. Because when you are alone with all these thoughts who knows what will come. Something good and sacred? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you just get sucked back down into that depression that held you too long. Instead of bursting victorious out the other side you get lost somewhere in the middle. 

Surely that can't happen again. This is our year, right? 2014 sucked, 2015 should be great, right? No more surgeries for Nevin... Right? I sure hope so. But, when those words pass my lips, I sure do get scared. Like maybe I jinxed us. And Gavyn. Poor sweet Gavyn. He deserves a break. He needs to heal. We didn't get a miracle bounce back from brain surgery. He needs a break. Please, no more surgeries for Gavyn. Ever. 

Yeah, right.

So, I sit in the dark and I try to process. I try to process this life I was handed. And not just me but the five people closest to me. I try to figure out how we are all going to deal with all of this and not go crazy. Or wonder if we already did go crazy. We probably did. And I just wonder... How many more routine doctor visits can I handle?