Midnights

Dr.Werner was right...

I wrote sometime ago about the first 3 people in the PICU that made an impression on me and one of them was Dr.Werner. He was the attending the night Gavyn was admitted and also the one who showed us the images from the CT scan. Just thinking about that dark corner of the PICU where the computers are for looking at images, gives me a chill. So many conflicting and confusing emotions were going on during that time. It is still such a vivid memory that I can feel it, taste it, hear it...
Dr.Werner saying the scan was not normal...
Grabbing my throat...
Rubbing my chest...
Ryan putting his hand on my back...
Saying, "You are breaking out..."
"It happens,"Dr.Werner....
Mind swirling...

The only question I could think to ask was if it was brain damage. Hearing it was. Him saying to tell people to wait to ask if Gav could do things a year from then. Meaning we were not going to be sure. Anything and everything was possible, for good and bad. And then he said it, looked me dead in the eye and said, "This is not your fault. When you are lying awake at 2 in the morning starring at the stars, tell yourself that this was not your fault."

Lately I am back to not being able to sleep. I feel so extremely tired by the end of the day, crawl into bed, close my eyes, feel the warmth and comfort. After about 2 minutes I start to think of the day he was born, how that is when I passed the infection to him. The day he had the seizure, all the little signs I missed up until that event. Hearing Dr.Warner say those words, hearing every other doctor after him talking about brain damage. The day he went back in for his shunt. Every ER visit in between and after. What he is having delays with. And it all goes back to the day he was born. The day I infected him with something I had never heard of, Group B Strep. It makes me wonder, was he born with hydrocephalus, did the group b give it to him because of the meningitis? If he was born with it what did I do when I was pregnant that caused lack of air to him or something else? The more I contemplate the less I can sleep.

I remember Dr.Werner's words and try to make myself believe that. I remember Dr.Garret telling me that Group B is on many things and they don't know enough about it. Trying to comfort me. But don't you just sort of know where blame should fall? I always knew I would make mistakes at being a mom, what mother doesn't? But I would have never thought I would have risked my child's life and health. Maybe one day I will figure out what happened. Dr.Werner was right, I do lay awake at night and stare at the stars. I can't make myself believe that he was right in telling me I did not cause the damage to my child though. He was in my belly for safe keeping and I did something wrong. I was in charge of him and made a bad choice at some point.

Remembering

I have not posted in a long time because it is getting harder to write about Gavyn. He is doing so well, it is amazing to watch him every day and remember what a miracle he is. I still think of Cardinal Glennon on a daily basis though. I wonder when that will pass. Some days I think about it more than others, some days I only think about it because of the picture we have in the family room of him in his hospital bed. I still have nights that I can barely fall asleep because of the images in my head. The morning he had his seizure, the day he got brought back to the PICU, the day he got his shunt in... some memories are of course more vivid than others.

The last four days it has been on my mind a lot. Friday morning Nevin Lucas fell down 1 step outside and got a hair line fracture in his leg. Our pediatrician sent us to Glennon to have it checked out, she was sure it was broken but they don't do x-rays. Mr.Nev and I spent 9 hours in the ER. We visited with a few familiar nurses, watched some cartoons, played with trucks, got about 6-8 x-rays done and, we walked all around the ER.

I started to carry him around and our nurse told us if the doc came she would come get us. I never realized how small the ER was. When we rounded the corner and saw the doors for the ambulance entrance I just stopped in our tracks. It seriously caught me off guard. For a minute I actually thought I was going to be sick. To be standing in that place, with my son, looking my worst nightmare in the face again, unprepared was almost too much. I got my composure and gave Nevin a little squeeze. Then I told him that when Baby Gavyn was sick that was where he was brought in, we walked past the room he was in, it was occupied by a little girl this time, Nevin blew her a kiss.

We went back to his room for a little break, I washed my hands. When I sat down I put my hands up by my chin, resting my elbows on my knees. There is was... the smell of the PICU, of Glennon, it was the soap. When Gavyn came home from the hospital my clothes smelled like the PICU for a couple weeks. Even after washing them. Sitting in the ER with Nevin I realized it was the hand soap. It still does not make sense to me but it brought back a flood of memories.

On our second walk around the ER we passed a family moving from the ER up to the floor, perhaps the PICU. A Dad, pulling a cart with the babies seat and diaper bag, Mom was holding tiny Baby Girl, following the nurse. She looked lost, scared, alone, Dad looked helpless. I knew the look well, I had it on my face for weeks as well. I said a prayer for them, Nevin blew a kiss.

Of course Nevin left the ER that night with a cast on his leg, we came home to two other healthy boys and I knew life was OK. But tonight as I was starting to pack things for our vacation I opened up my bathroom travel bag. There were a few things in it, at first I was thinking it was from last years vacation. Then I realized as I stared at it that it was everything I used while Gavyn was in the hospital, far from a vacation. But my life is blessed because here we are, here he is and we are going on vacation.

Everyone's life has a purpose, you might be surprised what yours is.