1 Year Ago Today II

Last year today we woke up in the hospital in Gavyn's room in the PICU. It had been a restless night. Lots of phone calls to family to tell them of Gavyn's latest condition. Posting on facebook to keep friends updated and texting back and forth. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach all night long. It was hard to sleep. Not only all the beeping from the machines, the in and out of nurses and doctors all night long but the worry and darkness that had suddenly covered my mind. I was still in slight denial about everything going on though. We waited for a few early morning hours for the rounds to start. Thankfully we were the first of the morning and we listened in shock as the head doctor talked.

"I realizing that this is the worst day of your life. Your worst nightmare has come true. Do I think your baby is going to make it? Yes, I do. I think you got him here soon enough to save his life. Do I think he will have permanent damage? I don't know. But I do think he will make it."

I remembered my mind racing, it had not occurred to me that he might die. That was a prevailing thought for the rest of his stay in the hospital though. She was so very cold and blunt in her speech and lecture that she gave us. I was so completely grateful that that day was her last day shift round for his whole stay in the hospital. I am sure she is a great doctor but I still feel ill when I see her at Glennon.

It was mid morning before the neurologists made their rounds that day. We were anxious to speak with them about his hydro and their thoughts. Dr. Arun was much more encouraging about the situation. She knew there was a lot of pressure and swelling from the meningitis that would go down with the antibiotics. We needed to wait and see before jumping to major conclusions about his brain and the rest of his life.

In contrasts we spent about an hour last night with just Gavyn on the couch. For some reason he wasn't into sleeping and wanted to stay up late. I honestly did not mind. To sit on the couch and cuddle with him, remembering how a year ago I would go 2 weeks without holding him. To watch him covering his baby eyes with his chubby hands to play peek-a-boo with us. And to watch him drift off to sweet sleep. This morning we took the boys to the Science Center and played for a couple hours. This afternoon I spent in the kitchen making healthy food for my boys, glad to just be home, everyone healthy, in good care, growing and learning.