What the crap just happened. Why did this happen. How did I let this happen. What do I do now. What else can I do. Am I not trying hard enough. Is more just more. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Numb. Numb. Numb. Anger.
The next few years were spent thinking more of Nevin. Gavyn really stabilized after the first year. It was rough and slow but the ER visits stopped, there were no more surgeries. He really thrived until October of 2012. And in the next few years I worried about Nevin.
Would he ever talk. Would he catch up with gross motor. Did I baby him. Did I not push him enough. Was it my fault. What could I do different. How had I failed. Why would no one listen to me. Would I ever get him into the right doctors.
2013 was our amazingly great year. Everyone was stable. Health was good. Answers were coming. Things were good.
2014 sucked. It was surgery after surgery. Doctors. Doctors. Doctors. School. Therapy. Sickness. Good things happened and happy memories were made. But overall it was a tough tough year.
And in the past (almost) five years I have grown a lot. As a person. In my faith. In the kind of wife and mom I am. The kind of friend I am. Our whole family has grown tremendously though all of this. But there is this little place that I can go to, this place that I try not to live in. Although it is a small thought, it is consuming. I find myself going there when I go out, when I scroll down Facebook, when I hear of other families, when I think of families growing up. What place is it?
The why us? place.
Oh, it is a small phrase. It is a fleeting thought. But, oh my, how destructive.
It comes in my mind scrolling Facebook and seeing the "perfect" families with perfect kids. The ones who seem to have so much fall into place.
Hearing of that two-year-old who potty trained in two days and doesn't even wet the bed.
The kids getting honors at their school.
The families who never get sick.
The ones who have baby after baby that are healthy and whole.
Even the families who have a boy and then a girl.
The people who never seem to suffer.
Why must so much suffering be placed on my family and my friends? Because let me tell you, my dearest friends have experienced their share of suffering as well. And it all makes me angry. Very, very angry. It's a place I try not to live in because it would consume me. I remind myself we all have our struggles and everyone's biggest thing is their biggest thing. I try to offer grace and not be judgmental. But some days it's really hard to do. Some days I don't want to hear about other people's perfect lives. And I have to close Facebook. I have to stay home. Sometimes I even have to walk away from people. Because I can't handle people pretending or really living in perfection. My life is way too messy for that. My families struggles are too big for that. And then I feel like we are too much. And I know that is a lie. We aren't too much. We are awesome. But we can be exhausting and we are exhausted. We might go two years without a surgery and we might have five in one year. We might go six months with no sickness and then be sick every day for weeks and go to the ER three or four times in two months. That's my life. That's my reality. And when I start to think, why us? Why my kids? I have to stop myself and remember that life is tough but we are great. My kids are awesome. And somehow we will make it through this crap.
No comments:
Post a Comment