Control

Today was a hard day. Ryan had to get invoices ready for me to be able to prepare our tax return before February. The boys insurance comes do for renewal in February so every January we scramble to get all the paper work prepared. It's a small price to pay.

It has been a long emotional week though and having Ryan unavailable for the first part of the day was extra trying. Gavyn had his IEP evaluation in December to determine his Qualifications for Special School District. Friday was his IEP meeting where we sit down with a big group of people (6 from school, our education advocate and myself) and write the goals we would like to see Gavyn achieve over the next year. After we determine the goals we determine the best way for him to achieve those goals and there are a lot of options. As you can imagine there was a lot of stress leading up to the meeting, during the meeting, and now, anticipation for getting started. I feel good though. I love our school district, I like the teachers, I love the PT at the school and am comfortable with the OT. I know it will be good and positive but he is my baby and I do worry about him.

I also decided to try and make his baby book this week. Skyler's baby book I did in record time, Nevin's took a little longer but was done well before Gav was born. But every time I sit to do Gav's book, I flip through the pictures and well up with tears. I haven't even looked at pictures in a year, maybe longer. I finally thought I was ready. I set everything up in my craft room, I was excited, almost giddy to have a project. Then I pulled out the box of pictures, took out the stack, one by one I looked at those pictures, the more I looked the more I cried,the more I cried the angry I became. It ended with me shouting at God, "why?! Why did you do this to HIM?!" I could careless about the stress it has put on me but the fact that God allowed it to happen to him, a helpless baby, he had no choice, he was born, did nothing and almost died. But he didn't die, he survived, but with the cost of so many scars. It's not fair. It's painful. It sucks. And mostly I hate it. Tomorrow my CG girls and mom are coming over and we are going to drink yummy drinks and do that scrapbook one painful page at a time, together, and cry and make lame jokes. It will be therapy for my soul.

I realized at church tonight that I need to let go of my children. I struggling with a control idol and it has gotten really bad with my kids. There are so many things I need to "control" for them. The right school, the right therapists, the right therapy places, teachers, doctors, specialists, medicine... But, I have go too far. I have forgotten that first, they are God's children and he has in trusted them to me. They are not mine. I don't have the ultimate say. I gave my kids over to God at church tonight. I did it again when we got home. I will do it again when I open my eyes and probably 100 times tomorrow. I need to post it on the bathroom mirror. I want to be free this year and by becoming free I must let go of my grip on my life.