God's Calming

Who's on Pinterest? I know you are and I know you love it, who doesn't?! I saw this little graphic (is it considered a Meme? I'm not sure since it is not humorous, not sure what you call these officially but, I love them!) a couple weeks ago and I feel like this thought has been a reoccurring theme in my mind right now. Our church has been doing a study on Galatians called  Freedom. We have been slowly going through the verses and breaking it down into how Christianity brings you freedom from so many things. Last week our campus pastor brought it home with Freedom from Self Effort and this line really stuck out to me:
"Self effort - self effort, it will not change you, it will not transform your character." 
I'm not sure that that connects outside of brain but here is how I know this to be true. 

My story before I had two special needs kiddos was something like this:
I grew up in a Christian home, my parents and grandparents were all strong believers and were a good example for me. I grew up in a very legalistic church that my family got sucked into for awhile but eventually my parents realized their kids hearts were more important than rules. They started participating more in things we were into like going to concerts etc. When Ryan and I got married we found the Journey to go to and that has really helped me grow.

I knew the gospel story and could tell you it but it really was not in my heart. I really thought it was though. I thought I got it all but I really did not. I have a very distinct memory of a moment when Gavyn was in the hospital and this is what happened. 

I think we had been at Glennon for a week. We knew he had hydrocephalus at that point and we were not sure if it would somewhat resolve on its own once he wasn't sick. We did know the pressure on his brain had increased and it was causing his brain to be pushed down on his spinal cord which was causing his body to crash. I was rushed out of the room, the neurosurgeon was rushed into the room, and he (the surgeon) placed an external shunt in his brain to drain off the fluid. Being scared was an understatement of how I felt at that moment. Terrified doesn't even come close. I sat in the hallway on a bench by a window and prayed over and over again for him to be ok I was not ready to bury a baby. It seemed like an eternity before they came to get me. He was knocked out when I got to him, there was a shunt placed on the top of his head, it was hooked up to a bag hanging on a pole and the bag was slowly filling with his extra CSF. At first I was ok, I rubbed his little hand, I kissed his little face. I'm not sure when but at one point my mom got there and was standing across from me, quietly crying and rubbing his arm. Suddenly he opened his eyes and looked at me and all I saw in his little eyes was complete terror, it was like he wanted me to pick him up and make it better and I couldn't. I couldn't even hold him because he was hooked up to a ventilator at that point. I felt beyond helpless. I could not stop crying. I could not quiet my mind and I could not make the storm of medical issues stop. I was entering my new life and it was painful and it was confusing and it was more than I could handle and I felt broken. And in that moment the Gospel became real to me. Brokeness became real to me. If letting Gavyn pass from this life to the next was going to make him whole I was willing to let him go. And in that moment realizing that the God of the universe sent his Son to die because that was the only way to make me whole and restore me to him became so real I could touch it. I don't even know if that makes sense but it did. 

And that is when my real relationship with God began. Because I knew I was entering a storm and I knew it was going to rage around me and I knew the only peace I was going to get was going to be from Him. Not because this was going to end and not because I was going to read the right book and be able to change myself or the kids. I knew it was not going to end but I knew God would hold me through it all.

33miles - Arms The Hold The Universe

I know it seems like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world
The whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go
He will never let you go

He's still got the whole world in His hands
Still got the whole world in His hands